Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Prospective in Check
I've been having the hardest time trying to figure out how to even start this. It's been a rough couple of days. These next few months will be a lot of traveling. I want to keep busy to keep my mind off of things. I hate that bad events bring people together, but I'd rather be there for people and hold it down. I'm not sure if the real world has made me jaded to a lot of things or if I have a better shield to protect me, but I think I've lost a part of my soul. I've stepped down from protecting and saving the world all the time to just figuring things out on my own. Maybe the world doesn't need me anymore right now. For now, let's knock out all these student loans, enjoy spending the time with family and friends, and read up on pharmacy stuff so I don't look stupid in front of these patients.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Good Meets Evil
Real world is just ridiculous. 6 weeks into work, I've relearned and learned more stuff for WAG than I did working throughout school. It really is different when your status goes from intern to RPh. How? Initially, you learn the basics and work on getting the foundation down. Then, you think about all the stuff you learn in Rx school and try to apply it qd. Then, you have to think over and over again, is this script I typed in right? Are there drug interactions? Does the directions make sense? Is this new for the patient? Is the patient preg? etc etc. The responsibilities are really on your shoulders and we are the last line of defense before giving the patient their medications. I double check myself a lot. Since work started, I have gotten beaten down by so many patients, gave someone sterile water instead of a flu shot, had a patient told me that I looked too young to be getting advice from and walked away from me, had a guy nearly faint on me while giving a flu shot, and made many girls cry when giving their flu shots. At least, I didn't get robbed again like I did last year.
Dwelling on the bad does not get you anywhere and it just hinders you from doing other stuff too. Keep cautious and be aware. When things put you down, always get back up and try again and never give up. Know when the battle is over. Through all the crap, don't forget to look at the good in life too. We got the family that's always going to be there for you. The friends who are always in your life whether it's to sit down and chat with you and listen to your war stories or to grab a drink and get reassurance that life is still decent out there. Enjoy the time off and get some time to yourself to meditate and/or work out. Get those endorphin levels up.
Lately, I've been feeling really off. Not sure if it's the stress or other things, but I've been losing sleep like crazy. I'm finally back into the habit of waking up early again. The schedule has kind of been less erratic. Still waiting on eligibility on health insurance. Figuring out my finances and how much of the loans I need to pay off. The 6 weeks off really did hurt me in the long run, but that's done and done with it. Gotta deal with the consequences now. Going off the grid next weekend to get some time to myself.
Dwelling on the bad does not get you anywhere and it just hinders you from doing other stuff too. Keep cautious and be aware. When things put you down, always get back up and try again and never give up. Know when the battle is over. Through all the crap, don't forget to look at the good in life too. We got the family that's always going to be there for you. The friends who are always in your life whether it's to sit down and chat with you and listen to your war stories or to grab a drink and get reassurance that life is still decent out there. Enjoy the time off and get some time to yourself to meditate and/or work out. Get those endorphin levels up.
Lately, I've been feeling really off. Not sure if it's the stress or other things, but I've been losing sleep like crazy. I'm finally back into the habit of waking up early again. The schedule has kind of been less erratic. Still waiting on eligibility on health insurance. Figuring out my finances and how much of the loans I need to pay off. The 6 weeks off really did hurt me in the long run, but that's done and done with it. Gotta deal with the consequences now. Going off the grid next weekend to get some time to myself.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Rate Limiting Step
As each day progresses, I'm losing faith in myself. I can't keep face anymore to people. I punish myself for the time that I lost. I'm so ashamed to see people. Everyone's all moving along in their paths to where they're going and I'm stuck. It sucks sitting here powerless unable to do anything. There's so many people around me that looks up to me, I can't let them down. I won't let them down. I'm sorry to everyone.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Faster, Stronger, Smarter...
The past three months have been the most intense months ever in my pharmacy life. I couldn't believe how much crap I have gone through. Honestly, it really makes me believe that there are terrible people in this world. Do I believe that I've become a better person? Did I learn a lot? Nope. At that time, I learned a good amount, but learning in fear is possibly the worst thing ever. The stress that I endured on a daily basis for 6 weeks has really damaged my self confidence or what little I had to begin with. It would have been a great experience. It would have been something that I would love to internalize. I promise one day that I would make sure that the students following behind me will not suffer. Whether it be my fair warning or to become like a coordinator, I wouldn't want anyone to go through the pain and stress that I went through ever.
How stressful you must ask? When reopening the subject again 6 weeks later, I couldn't finish talking about how bad this rotation was. I broke down really badly. It was like PTSD. I somehow made all the girls cry in the room at the regional meeting. I could tell that everyone really was watching out for me. If it wasn't for my classmates, I wouldn't be in walking across the stage in a week with them. I truly believe that all the pain and suffering that we all went through together the past four years has really made us a family. Not the blood relating type of family, but the cry together, through the worst times, through the best times kind of family. It's good to know that there are people that will watch your back.
Even with all the terribleness in this world, there are good people out there. I've had good mentors that has rebuilt me to be a better person. I've had the greatest friends to take care of me when I needed someone to talk to. I've had good support from my family when I was at my worst. The one thing I appreciate are good friends, family, and relationships that evolve from it.
How stressful you must ask? When reopening the subject again 6 weeks later, I couldn't finish talking about how bad this rotation was. I broke down really badly. It was like PTSD. I somehow made all the girls cry in the room at the regional meeting. I could tell that everyone really was watching out for me. If it wasn't for my classmates, I wouldn't be in walking across the stage in a week with them. I truly believe that all the pain and suffering that we all went through together the past four years has really made us a family. Not the blood relating type of family, but the cry together, through the worst times, through the best times kind of family. It's good to know that there are people that will watch your back.
Even with all the terribleness in this world, there are good people out there. I've had good mentors that has rebuilt me to be a better person. I've had the greatest friends to take care of me when I needed someone to talk to. I've had good support from my family when I was at my worst. The one thing I appreciate are good friends, family, and relationships that evolve from it.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I got this ice box where my heart used to be
so there's this idea where when you push yourself to your limits and all of a sudden, do you think it's worth all of this trouble when you know in the back of your mind, you already set things in motion without knowing it? does that innate 6th sense of yours come out when the damage has already been done? the idea of the repeated rejections can break a man's soul or what's left of it. in many ways, i'm glad i put myself out there knowing the fact that i was really meant to do this. I really figured out my path in life and i know where it should lead me. i guess i will take down the evil with what small recruits i have by my side.
the final battle approaches. for the next 3 months, i will be in hell. not the burning souls kind, but the bend me over and take it in the butt kind. i'm really scared because the expectations will be so much higher, the path will be darker, and it will be the longest walks of my life.
if all goes my way and i do push myself to my full potential, it will be a great win in my book. I really do have to pull the ultimate clutch ever in the history of undergrad and pharmacy school. adieu to you all.
the final battle approaches. for the next 3 months, i will be in hell. not the burning souls kind, but the bend me over and take it in the butt kind. i'm really scared because the expectations will be so much higher, the path will be darker, and it will be the longest walks of my life.
if all goes my way and i do push myself to my full potential, it will be a great win in my book. I really do have to pull the ultimate clutch ever in the history of undergrad and pharmacy school. adieu to you all.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Big Pimping...Not Spending Gs
Being spoiled for 3 months really put you behind from the rest of your classmates. It was fun while it lasted. Met a few new faces, reestablished some old bonds due to the hectic schedule i had, and enjoying rebuilding myself physically. Insanity workout: completed. Wt loss: 20 lb. WIN. Don't believe me? It's improvements here and there, not like the 6 pack fully just yet. My core still sucks, but my tummy is flat, my baby fat on my face is less, etc etc.
It sucks now that I will get a chance to barely work out now. I'm way too scared to not study at this point in my life. I've never ever been in a hospital setting before. Let alone..getting pimped on a daily basis now is something completely different to me. Tyler is right...it's a completely different kind of stress. I love the community setting because it's just non-stop and I move around like crazy.I know the system. I talk to people left and right. I stay in one area and there are windows!
The hospital setting...wake up early...prepare for rounds...go to rounds...check out orders...adjust warfarin/lovenox/vanco...study and get pimped...find interventions...get frustrated with yourself on a daily basis for still not knowing what exactly to do. I was THIS close to breaking down at the end of the day. These 11 hours days are killing my soul slowly. Whatever confidence I had is completely gone now. I hope it does get better, otherwise I worry that residency is not my path to get better now.
Off to studying my people. Mikey over and out.
It sucks now that I will get a chance to barely work out now. I'm way too scared to not study at this point in my life. I've never ever been in a hospital setting before. Let alone..getting pimped on a daily basis now is something completely different to me. Tyler is right...it's a completely different kind of stress. I love the community setting because it's just non-stop and I move around like crazy.I know the system. I talk to people left and right. I stay in one area and there are windows!
The hospital setting...wake up early...prepare for rounds...go to rounds...check out orders...adjust warfarin/lovenox/vanco...study and get pimped...find interventions...get frustrated with yourself on a daily basis for still not knowing what exactly to do. I was THIS close to breaking down at the end of the day. These 11 hours days are killing my soul slowly. Whatever confidence I had is completely gone now. I hope it does get better, otherwise I worry that residency is not my path to get better now.
Off to studying my people. Mikey over and out.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Journal Week #3 and #4
August 30
IV lecture and pre-lab started this week. Got my opportunity to relearn all the material again before I start helping out Rene in lab and also before institution rotation starts at the end of October. The other purpose of going to this class was to observe my "peer" in how Rene was teaching the class to the students. Professors get evaluated to make sure that they are doing good and it is kept in their portfolio. What I didn't know was that my evaluation would be actually be accounted for in the portfolio. Maybe it's to see how the student/faculty observed in one to get a sense of the students as well as the faculty. Another reason for checking out her class was to also get a better idea to write for my presentation for the P3 class. Ascetics, professionalism, the pace of the lecture, etc.
August 31-Sept 2
I've been running around left and right worried sick about what to write on the presentation. The best thing for me was to just right things down and then get it modified later. I got a chance to sit down to make an appointment as well with a new faculty member to get an idea what their expectations and goals and background were. With the two professors I picked for my projects, I had a sense of seeing myself in their shoes in the future. Work a bit to gain some valuable knowledge and then share it with the world somehow. The anti-microbial class is amazing and I wish I took it when I was a P3. I think the real reason I didn't take it was because I didn't have the money to. Right now, I'm just taking advantage of what I can and to make sure that I can use this knowledge during my upcoming rotation site. Took advantage of the meetings of most of the organizations aka getting food. WIN
September 3
Morning weekly meeting with Dr Davis. Van, Dr Davis, and I went over both of the presentations nitpicking on every little thing that we needed to know. The idea is that the students can ask any kinds of questions and as a professor, we must be able to be prepared for anything that goes. It was great even though it was a bit harsh, but long term it was a good thing that we went over this kind of stuff to prepare ourselves in the future. At the end of the day, pharmacotherapy rounds started and it was very interesting to hear the residents talk about statistical trials about topics that they were working on. Off to Houston for the Labor Day weekend and to pick up my new glasses.
September 6
Worked a bit more on the presentation. Cleaned it up a bit. Reorganizing the slides a bit and going over the research again. E-mailed Dean Ginsburg to get some help on my final project for the rotation. I feel like I won't get good data on this project and not sure what I really want to do just yet.
September 7
Interviewed one of the professors to get her prospective about her position and what her goals are and what she is doing at the college of pharmacy. The rain sucked so badly to the point where I didn't get a chance to start the interview until 2 hours later. I kept busy for the time being luckily. I talked to Rene again to get some pointers and clarifications on my probiotics topic to make sure I get this thing locked down. Luckily, I also had Dr. Barnes to get a clinician point of view on the Enterococcus species on how it can be used as a probiotic. Fecal transplant...gross. Now that's what I call love.
September 8
Met up with Dean Ginsburg after she taught her communication class. Talked about the background history of the TASK force and how we got to this point where we are at right now. Final project deals with the student curriculum and what the effects are to the student organization. Lots of potential, but it's a ridiculously overwhelming project at the same time. I kind of have an idea what to do, but I need to think about it some more. Van and I went over our projects again to make sure if there's any issues with any of it. Spent all night going over and over the presentation and taking notes on my own ppt just in case.
September 9
Doomsday is here. Went to campus early to calm my mind and go over it one more time. For a second before I went to the room, I was sitting outside and I thought I was going crazy. Mind you, I thought I was so nervous to the point where I was dreaming or I thought I saw someone who I thought was in Europe. As the person got closer and as I clean my glasses, the person was real. I had mixed feelings of excitement and nervousness at the same time. I didn't think I would see this person for another 4-5 months, but at the same time I was just panicking like no other. I told her I'll go talk to her afterwards and I need to catch my breath before I give my lecture. Dr Davis said I looked very A&M because of my maroon baller shirt and tie as he walked into the room. I walk in and I just slowly breathe as I got closer and closer to the front of the room. Everyone is in the front 4 rows of the room which made the room look a bit bigger to me. I sucked it up and just started talking. I wasn't used to talking to obnoxiously loud unless needed, but I know I was a bit quieter when I was giving the presentation because many of the people were asking me to move my mic up and etc. This class I must say writes a lot. I slowed down dramatically just to make sure that they were catching my words, but I realized that they were catching how crappy my articulation and pronunciation of some of the words were. At the end of it, I knew I should have done better. Everyone that I talked to said they enjoyed it, so maybe I am just beating myself up more than I need to. Van went up to do his presentation and I went up afterward to talk about rotations and academic rotation. After the class ended, Van and I talked about how we felt at the presentation and stared writing down our critiques to each other. I really don't want to watch myself give the presentation. It's one of those things where you can't believe you sound like that or in your mind, you think you sound different.
September 10
Dr Davis talked a little bit about the presentation and expects good results from the class. The majority of the meeting was about the program assessment and the types of questions written and the results and what to do. Specifically, what would one do as a professor when it comes down to statistical results of your exam questions and what to do for reconsideration. Good lordy, it's a lot of work on the professors part than I anticipated. Ridiculous. Had my meeting with Dean Ridings-Myhra. Felt totally worthless because I didn't have any real input because I didn't have any rotation sites on the topics they were discussing. I nearly passed out at the end, but I didn't see any real issues with what they were trying to accomplish. Pretty legit stuff. Pharmacotherapy round again on Transplant Drug. Ran into some of the classmates again. Pretty nice to see them again. Longest days of meetings ever.
Played football with the boys just to continue my work out routine. Stared insanity round 2 a couple of weeks ago. Pushing myself hard this time in the shorten time span. It's been great. I want to maintain my physical/mental abilities during this rotation. Keep me sane in some way. So much going on for the next two weeks and then true hell starts afterwards.
IV lecture and pre-lab started this week. Got my opportunity to relearn all the material again before I start helping out Rene in lab and also before institution rotation starts at the end of October. The other purpose of going to this class was to observe my "peer" in how Rene was teaching the class to the students. Professors get evaluated to make sure that they are doing good and it is kept in their portfolio. What I didn't know was that my evaluation would be actually be accounted for in the portfolio. Maybe it's to see how the student/faculty observed in one to get a sense of the students as well as the faculty. Another reason for checking out her class was to also get a better idea to write for my presentation for the P3 class. Ascetics, professionalism, the pace of the lecture, etc.
August 31-Sept 2
I've been running around left and right worried sick about what to write on the presentation. The best thing for me was to just right things down and then get it modified later. I got a chance to sit down to make an appointment as well with a new faculty member to get an idea what their expectations and goals and background were. With the two professors I picked for my projects, I had a sense of seeing myself in their shoes in the future. Work a bit to gain some valuable knowledge and then share it with the world somehow. The anti-microbial class is amazing and I wish I took it when I was a P3. I think the real reason I didn't take it was because I didn't have the money to. Right now, I'm just taking advantage of what I can and to make sure that I can use this knowledge during my upcoming rotation site. Took advantage of the meetings of most of the organizations aka getting food. WIN
September 3
Morning weekly meeting with Dr Davis. Van, Dr Davis, and I went over both of the presentations nitpicking on every little thing that we needed to know. The idea is that the students can ask any kinds of questions and as a professor, we must be able to be prepared for anything that goes. It was great even though it was a bit harsh, but long term it was a good thing that we went over this kind of stuff to prepare ourselves in the future. At the end of the day, pharmacotherapy rounds started and it was very interesting to hear the residents talk about statistical trials about topics that they were working on. Off to Houston for the Labor Day weekend and to pick up my new glasses.
September 6
Worked a bit more on the presentation. Cleaned it up a bit. Reorganizing the slides a bit and going over the research again. E-mailed Dean Ginsburg to get some help on my final project for the rotation. I feel like I won't get good data on this project and not sure what I really want to do just yet.
September 7
Interviewed one of the professors to get her prospective about her position and what her goals are and what she is doing at the college of pharmacy. The rain sucked so badly to the point where I didn't get a chance to start the interview until 2 hours later. I kept busy for the time being luckily. I talked to Rene again to get some pointers and clarifications on my probiotics topic to make sure I get this thing locked down. Luckily, I also had Dr. Barnes to get a clinician point of view on the Enterococcus species on how it can be used as a probiotic. Fecal transplant...gross. Now that's what I call love.
September 8
Met up with Dean Ginsburg after she taught her communication class. Talked about the background history of the TASK force and how we got to this point where we are at right now. Final project deals with the student curriculum and what the effects are to the student organization. Lots of potential, but it's a ridiculously overwhelming project at the same time. I kind of have an idea what to do, but I need to think about it some more. Van and I went over our projects again to make sure if there's any issues with any of it. Spent all night going over and over the presentation and taking notes on my own ppt just in case.
September 9
Doomsday is here. Went to campus early to calm my mind and go over it one more time. For a second before I went to the room, I was sitting outside and I thought I was going crazy. Mind you, I thought I was so nervous to the point where I was dreaming or I thought I saw someone who I thought was in Europe. As the person got closer and as I clean my glasses, the person was real. I had mixed feelings of excitement and nervousness at the same time. I didn't think I would see this person for another 4-5 months, but at the same time I was just panicking like no other. I told her I'll go talk to her afterwards and I need to catch my breath before I give my lecture. Dr Davis said I looked very A&M because of my maroon baller shirt and tie as he walked into the room. I walk in and I just slowly breathe as I got closer and closer to the front of the room. Everyone is in the front 4 rows of the room which made the room look a bit bigger to me. I sucked it up and just started talking. I wasn't used to talking to obnoxiously loud unless needed, but I know I was a bit quieter when I was giving the presentation because many of the people were asking me to move my mic up and etc. This class I must say writes a lot. I slowed down dramatically just to make sure that they were catching my words, but I realized that they were catching how crappy my articulation and pronunciation of some of the words were. At the end of it, I knew I should have done better. Everyone that I talked to said they enjoyed it, so maybe I am just beating myself up more than I need to. Van went up to do his presentation and I went up afterward to talk about rotations and academic rotation. After the class ended, Van and I talked about how we felt at the presentation and stared writing down our critiques to each other. I really don't want to watch myself give the presentation. It's one of those things where you can't believe you sound like that or in your mind, you think you sound different.
September 10
Dr Davis talked a little bit about the presentation and expects good results from the class. The majority of the meeting was about the program assessment and the types of questions written and the results and what to do. Specifically, what would one do as a professor when it comes down to statistical results of your exam questions and what to do for reconsideration. Good lordy, it's a lot of work on the professors part than I anticipated. Ridiculous. Had my meeting with Dean Ridings-Myhra. Felt totally worthless because I didn't have any real input because I didn't have any rotation sites on the topics they were discussing. I nearly passed out at the end, but I didn't see any real issues with what they were trying to accomplish. Pretty legit stuff. Pharmacotherapy round again on Transplant Drug. Ran into some of the classmates again. Pretty nice to see them again. Longest days of meetings ever.
Played football with the boys just to continue my work out routine. Stared insanity round 2 a couple of weeks ago. Pushing myself hard this time in the shorten time span. It's been great. I want to maintain my physical/mental abilities during this rotation. Keep me sane in some way. So much going on for the next two weeks and then true hell starts afterwards.
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